Final Fantasy XII

ok, i am so bad.joe got mad at the screwed up dvd player earlier. he threw it away. and so for angel he put his ps2 in living room for movie watching…anyway after he went to sleep i started me a game. he wanted to beat it first, but i couldn’t resist. he is flying through the game and having issues with the creatures. i spent 2.5 hours and have barely gotten  out of the first area. I want to be well stocked and unafraid when i go to the second place. yeah until the story line goes so far i miss out on some bad ass shit, but for now…..i think i will gain  a few more licence points and some more gil and get STOCKED before going any further. it just makes the game easier. plus i don’t mind the mindless and endless fighting you have to do.on a final fantasy game it doesn’t feel right if i can beat it in 10 hours or whatever. i need the massive hours devoted to the game. course that means less me time and less sleep time lol

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rain drops and evilness at dawn hours

okay, i know it’s bad but my daughter has a huge fluffy duck that she adores. and last night she left it in my room. toys are NOT allowed in my room and she knows better, however some times it happens and this morning when i got up to get joe off to work, I saw the fluffy duck. i put it in joe’s side of the bed and covered it so that only it’s massive head was showing. when angel came calling daddy i listened to see how she would react to the duck. poor baby got so upset went crying out of the room thinking she had ” lost her daddy”. very cute, but i felt a little bad as she was very upset. i rewarded her with hugs and the movie of the moment…” the little mermaid” and knew i had to share the awwww!

random meanderings of a lost mind

Alot goes through my mind on any given day. today is like any other. I have had a migraine for two days so i am struggling to concentrate on daily activities and other fun torments (such as joe in a kissy mood) although angels been really cute. she sees daddy kiss me and hits him with a stuffed doll. usually the fat baby doll that joe gave me in the hospital the day i had her. i have a wreck of a kitchen awaiting me still because i am a sloppy cook on my best day and a tornado when i feel bad. Joe has the ps2 and ff12 to entertain so i get comp access (when angel’s asleep else no peace while i play) oh damn my train of thought derailed….. oh well on to dishes and icky things like that!

life and the curves it takes

well it has been a day of surprises both good and bad. I got a wild hair and decided to check about “Charlie”. He is up for appeals on his charges. anyway the reporter i asked to update me on his status said she might want to do my story. i have mixed feelings on this, it means dragging my laundry out in the air for all to see. yet it also may help others come forward. He is a predator of the first class. Yet it hurts so much… and my mind blocked most of those memories long ago, Do i really want to go there? yet on a lighter note, I got whimsical last night and started a family tree. I asked my cousin to fill a blank i have as far as names and he told me to call his brother. I did and he has research his mother did. he is willing to go through it and share the info with me.

And so life goes
onward,
ever tearing,
ever raging
till at last
naught remains,
naught save anger
at only what might have been.

What was is gone,
and the broken shells
of lost dreams stain
the pristine horizon
of Never again.

ok so it sucks, just random thoughts as i type. well now for recovery and comfort food. maybe a crying jag who knows…*evil grin* hey joe…ok cyall

broken hearts, broken dreams and broken wings~got duck tape?

Just a random thought that ran through my mind. there is so many things i would love to repair in my life and in the lives of others, and i find myself thinking whether repairing things would be actually a good idea. while i can’t imagine innocents suffering I also know pain strengthens us. on that thought i must be the strongest fucking person out there sometimes. yet I feel so weak and helpless most of the time. Joe don’t understand. he tries. He got me self defense classes to help. and usually i play along, but violence even in self defense is so against everything i am. I  am no longer a victim, but i am not about to go against my nature for that. it gives to much to those who hurt me. i am a pacifist, and fighting and adding to the violence only allows them to win. i will survive, but then a smart man once told me ” you would be surprised what you can live through”. Is that all there is for me? survival? By the gods i hope not.