memory lane and its potholes

found a 80’s site today. made me nostalgic. for me that is always dangerous. i remember working the summers during the 80’s. i worked on a tobacco farm for an old man who wanted to see what was in the jeans i always wore. i had a friend who worked with me. i wonder where she is now. I had a love affair with hair bands, and at the time i had a figure. i remember running away from home. I hitched from LaPlata Maryland to my cousins place in Alexandria Virginia. I was twelve and had no idea what kind of danger i put myself in. I remember being flattered when the guy who picked me up thought i was nineteen and was flirting with me. I was so unafraid of the world outside. there was nothing there that could be worse than what i lived with. I kind of want back the innocence i had then. I was not as afraid of walking where i needed to go. i carried a butterfly and i knew how to use it. Joe was so frightened for me when i started seeing him, as i was unafraid of going out for a walk at 3am or whenever. I had lived in Alexandria. I was used to walking in an area with a very high crime rate. I am in some ways sorry i let his fears scare me. I know he worries because he cares. but i miss being unafraid to leave home without a reason. i want the stability of a home, but i am a bit of a kin to the westward wind on occasion. i need to stretch and fly. as i said am pondering the past. makes me feel old. I have lived 32 years. i have in those 32 years lived several lifetimes. I have worked on a farm, i am mother to three children. I have survived several bad situations, i have looked down the barrel of a gun and felt no fear. I told him to shoot. not because i wanted to die, but because i want to see death coming. I died once. i drowned and was dead for a full minute before i was revived. I never want to think that death is a bad thing, just a new adventure. yet i am not ready to die, as there is alot of possibilities still here. plus my daughter still needs me. I have seen the U.S.A from the cab of a big rig. I have used a urinal (no other option and pregnancy made me have no choice in this) I have wrote poetry and dreamed impossible dreams, I have done many things that i won’t list here. and i learned i can cook. I make my own bread. this to me was the biggest surprise. and now at 32 i am thinking seriously of going to college and making one of those impossible dreams reality.I am probably out of my mind. and if you read about them locking up some crazy woman who thought she could do life and failed, wellll then you know i didn’t do what i planned. but who knows. if i did all this, why can’t i do school too??

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