Distractions of the heart

I really have been trying to write lately. I am not one of those who can structure my writing. I can write everyday, and I do. Still this week has been a time of pure distraction. Even down to my writing app not functioning. My mind has been foggy, and I am quite afraid that if the app had worked…well it probably would have been something I deleted a day later. I have resolved to never delete what I write the same day. In some ways it keeps me from getting disgusted with what I have written and deciding it’s garbage…whether it really is or not.

So I have been doing other writing exercises. A journal, a bit of blogging, and still my heart aches. I have several work in progress that feel like I will never finish.  It makes my heart ache because I feel like such a failure. In all honesty, I wrote my first novel at ten. However, in frustration and self doubt, I threw it away. I forgot what I wrote. So the uncertainty of that early failure (the trashing of what i wrote is the failure) followed me. I  write, I publish. So far only a novella, a children’s book, and four volumes of poetry.  I publish because it doesn’t cost anything. Perhaps  it is still my self doubt that holds me back. I battle the low self esteem as I have my whole life. I am perhaps never going to see myself as others do. And that is actually Ok. I would love to see even once that which others see in me, but if not, then I will survive. I will continue to write because without it, I am nothing. I will continue to be kind and helpful to others, because it is not in me to be unkind.  I will continue to be creative in every way I can find. For the creativity helps me to feel less ugly. Perhaps that is all there is in life. Finding beauty in the ugly of life.

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2 thoughts on “Distractions of the heart

  1. I agree with everything you posted. I commend you for still writing even when you are in a fog or having a bad day/week. I have written a couple of things (as you know) in the last 2 weeks but I haven’t touched my blog and have only done a little bit of research for a story Im working on. I understand the whole lack of self esteem and feeling like a failure. I have published two childrens books but I still don’t feel like I’m good enough to keep going even though I’ve been told I need to. I think you are a wonderful person and wonderful writer but I get where you are coming from as I too cannot see myself as others see me. That is why I am glad that I have friends like you so we can all lean on each other and encourage each other to keep going no matter what. ❤

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  2. I consider myself truly blessed to have the friends I do. It allows me to believe there is a reason to keep writing. Joe constantly reminds me that the greatest writers (Edgar allen Poe, poetess Emily Dickinson) were largely unknown in their own lifetime. He tells me that since i chose to go about printing free options, then it hurts nothing to keep publishing. without the encouragement i get from friends and from Joe…I would only write for myself.

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