Just wanted to clarify 

Note- this had been written when I was upset and in draft form for a while. I debated whether or not to post it.  In trying to get myself past where I was,  I decided that I would as a carthagic bit of a release.  Not because I was holding on to it but because I was fully over it. 

You are not to to blame,  i realize that.  You told me that you could handle all that I was.  I was sad because I knew that you would try.  Then I had my normal anxiety,  and I tried to explain how much I needed for you to understand. And then you told me to grow up,  that I was having a reaction to something stupid.  So I pulled away,  and you got upset because I forgot to tell you something that I thought was minor.  And when I told you that I was not going to be seen because I was taking a couple of days in my own space to recharge,  you got upset about it.  I felt like neither of us were doing more than apologizing to each other,  and neither one knew what we  had done to hurt the other. And I was unable to see how to say that without upsetting you.  I am not the sort to make people feel bad purposefully…. Stating the obvious for me is how I process information,  and being yelled at for it only makes me pull away. Then we argue and people are attacking me for your sake.  First your friend tells me that you are allowed to have a bad day.  She unfriended me when I said that I was allowed to have boundaries.  I need to have boundaries… It is not a thing that I can be able to ignore.  Then your daughter says I am attention seeking and a “victim “….and I wonder what you have said that got me attacked.  You walked away without speaking to me…. And it feels like emotional abuse.  I will admit I have vague posted on Facebook…. But I have never mentioned you in my rambling,  just as I never mentioned anyone else who I have vented over.  So I did not see it as an issue. If it was then I am sorry.  I will now “Grow Up and get over it” but it will be without the one who said she would not leave me.  And I am sorry for the way we were. I will always love you.  But I will wonder if I ever knew you. 

What type of a friend are you?

apakistaniwomansjourney

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each one has been sent as a guide from beyond images
– Rumi

I believe that we attract people who are a vibrational match to us.  Proverbs like, “Misery loves company,” and “Birds of feather flock together,” indicate that how like-minded people attract each other.  If we are feeling miserable we will attract others who feeling the same..  Here I’m talking about plutonic friendship, though some of it could be applied to a romantic relationship as well.

There are different types of friends and we need all of them, even those who gossip about us because they are teaching us a lesson.

Like any relationship a friendship is like a wagon where each friend is like a wheel that carries, or doesn’t carry, the friendship forward or not.  Each friend deal with a relationship and this dealing goes into the buggy and depending on what…

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Stress + The Creative: You Don’t Have To Struggle

Stress + The Creative: You Don’t Have To Struggle

Did you know that STRESS is a major killer of creativity?

It took me so long to realize this!

I was one of those creatives (AKA, all of us, LOL) that bought into the idea that procrastination and stress were necessary for me to produce my best work. As creatives, we tend to cling to stress and claim it as motivation. We hang onto the idea that the only way we can accomplish great work is to feel the pressure, or to draw inspiration from our shadow selves.

How many times have you heard yourself saying::

“I work best under pressure”
“My best work is when it’s off the cuff”
“If I don’t have my back up against the wall, it won’t get done”
“Planning takes all the passion out of creation”
“My depression/stress/anxiety/fear/sadness/etc… feeds my art/work/writing/etc…”
“I can’t slow down or I will get lazy + stop altogether”

While…

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Lipstick + Lies: The Ways We Hide Behind “Normal”

Lipstick + Lies: The Ways We Hide Behind “Normal”

Allow me to preface this by saying that I LOVE lipstick, and makeup in general. It’s fun for me. It’s like art for your face. It’s really not about impressing  anyone…it’s not for anyone else but me for that matter…but it wasn’t always that way. In fact, I use to wear makeup for other people because I thought I wasn’t “pretty” without it…I thought…I HAVE to look “beautiful” or…(or what?)…and I was pretty damn proud of myself for getting over that shit. For no longer feeling “unpretty” or “not enough” without makeup. For knowing my beautiful worth.

In fact, in the past 3-4 years, I have done a lot of intense healing in terms of my self-worth and have started FINALLY stepping hardcore into my authenticity + true expression. I freaking LOVE me, with AND without makeup, and I will never apologize for walking out of the house with a…

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Eunoia

The Renegade Press

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

  • J.K. Rowling

August 28th, 2016.

Remember the date. Because it’s important, and I’m going to come back to it a few paragraphs from now.

In 2015, I lost a friend to suicide. In 2016, I lost another. The passing of my friends devastated me. To lose a loved one is always a sobering experience. To lose them prematurely because of mental illness is earth-shattering. I have always believed that a family is defined by much more than biology. I consider my friends to be a band of brothers that I love so dearly that I am willing to sacrifice anything to protect them. The knowledge that two of those brothers could be so affected by mental illness that suicide became their only hope of salvation breaks my heart.

I know what it’s like to feel low…

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