Note- this had been written when I was upset and in draft form for a while. I debated whether or not to post it. In trying to get myself past where I was, I decided that I would as a carthagic bit of a release. Not because I was holding on to it but because I was fully over it.
You are not to to blame, i realize that. You told me that you could handle all that I was. I was sad because I knew that you would try. Then I had my normal anxiety, and I tried to explain how much I needed for you to understand. And then you told me to grow up, that I was having a reaction to something stupid. So I pulled away, and you got upset because I forgot to tell you something that I thought was minor. And when I told you that I was not going to be seen because I was taking a couple of days in my own space to recharge, you got upset about it. I felt like neither of us were doing more than apologizing to each other, and neither one knew what we had done to hurt the other. And I was unable to see how to say that without upsetting you. I am not the sort to make people feel bad purposefully…. Stating the obvious for me is how I process information, and being yelled at for it only makes me pull away. Then we argue and people are attacking me for your sake. First your friend tells me that you are allowed to have a bad day. She unfriended me when I said that I was allowed to have boundaries. I need to have boundaries… It is not a thing that I can be able to ignore. Then your daughter says I am attention seeking and a “victim “….and I wonder what you have said that got me attacked. You walked away without speaking to me…. And it feels like emotional abuse. I will admit I have vague posted on Facebook…. But I have never mentioned you in my rambling, just as I never mentioned anyone else who I have vented over. So I did not see it as an issue. If it was then I am sorry. I will now “Grow Up and get over it” but it will be without the one who said she would not leave me. And I am sorry for the way we were. I will always love you. But I will wonder if I ever knew you.