So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Time to talk about monsters

Photo by Drigo Diniz on Pexels.com

I have never made secret of the fact that I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse. And yesterday was a very emotional day.

Survivors know that most monsters wear human skin. My monster was a quiet man that everyone believed was a good person. He told me that no one would believe me if I told about how he hurt me. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. That is what monsters do. They convince you that you deserve every bit of what they do. Even in death he haunts me, as I find myself feeling like a bad person for enjoying the fact that he committed suicide.

Monsters are among us. And now the world has one less. Though I am relieved I will not celebrate any farther. I will instead work on creating beauty to combat the monsters that remain in this world. I will be an advocate for those who have had their voice stolen.

This means that I am going to need to step back and breathe, I need to calm the emotional roller-coaster this has created. I will be back on Monday. Until then, avoid the monsters and be kind

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics: Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though Who are these people?
I just woke up in my underwear
No liquor left on the shelf
I should probably introduce myself
You shoulda’ seen what I wore
I had a cane and a party hat
I was the king of this hologram
Where there’s no such thing as getting out of hand
Memories tend to just pop up
Drunk pre-meds and some rubber gloves
Five-thousand people with designer drugs
Don’t think I’ll ever get enough (don’t think I’ll ever get enough) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time It’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright
It’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though What are these footprints?
They don’t look very human like
Now I wish that I could find my clothes
Bedsheets and a morning rose
I wanna wake up
Can’t even tell if this is a dream
How did we end up in my neighbors pool
Upside down with a perfect view?
Bar to bar at the speed of sound
Fancy feet dancing through this town
Lost my mind in a wedding gown
Don’t think I’ll ever get it now
(Don’t think I’ll ever get it now) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time I’m a scholar and a gentleman
And I usually don’t fall when I try to stand
I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt
But I make these high heels work
I’ve told you time and time again
I’m not as think as you drunk I am
And we all fell down when the sun came up
I think we’ve had enough Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time

My 2Cents:

This song has been stuck in my head for 3 weeks. I think with the way people have been suffering through 2020 that maybe a good time is just what we need this year. So tell me, what is your good time?

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.

Fivefold – Lost within

Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in
Who you are is not who you’ve been
Now’s the time to sink or swim
Will you fight the tide or get lost within
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
Iron bars are hell to break
Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?
Your whole life in a blank stare haze
You walk around like the end of days
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
I’m callin’ out to you
Can you hear me?
They can’t break you down
Let you hit the ground
I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long)
You’re feeling overwhelmed here
Drowned by the pain and the fear
The sun will come with the dawn
All you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul…
Get your soul…

My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.

Echoes into the void

Ever feel like you are doing the same thing on repeat…ad nauseum? Well that’s what formatting of books often feels like. When I first started wanting to do desktop publishing, the pdf was the file of choice… It was supposed to be “print perfect ” as it allowed your to see how your file would be when it printed.

Well now it is one of multiple file types you need to know how to handle. And then there is the files that change after you convert it to be what you need.

Each site for publishing requires a different format. Kdp(Amazon) requires docx. Draft2digital for the ebook (if you don’t want them to change details) needs epub. And the print book version for them needs pdf.

So on days like today when the responsibility of publishing is too much… Those are the days when I step back. I breathe. Tomorrow is soon enough for all of that. I think that tommorow I will talk about the computer programs that I have found to be most useful in making the formats needed for publishing.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Meredith Brooks – Bitch

Lyrics – [Verse 1]
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Verse 2]
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Bridge]
Just when you think you got me figured out
The season’s already changing
I think it’s cool, you do what you do
And don’t try to save me

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Chorus 2]
I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb, I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way

My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.

Thursday Tea Party

Time for Tea, Thursday Tea Party
Thusday tea party

Hello lovely readers! Time for tea again. Today is a Lipton Ice tea for me.

I don’t know if you noticed… But I stopped doing the monthly link posts… This is because I added a page for the links. I feel like this makes them easier to find. However it also, I suppose makes it easier for some people to ignore… It has good and bad to it. Still I feel like this is a better way.

The pandemic has been doing a real number on my ability to focus and thus my ability to write. I am currently working on writing my submissions for Fae Corps anthology Fae Dreams. The theme is Goals /dreams. Serena has already submitted for this and Nightmare Whispers. Both have the deadline of August 31. So far I have 1 poem to submit… Out of the 5 possible. So I have got to get writing! Can’t let Serena outdo me, right?

I finished with a sketchbook. I plan on doing a video sketchbook tour for patreon this weekend (patrons only but you can be a patron for as little as a $1 a month. ) I think that I did really well with some of those pieces.

Also I just got a new deck. Readings are available (by donations only, I don’t set a price. I ask only that you donate something for your reading and leave the amount up to you. ) I will be doing a full post about this tomorrow with deck pictures.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Silent Theory – Fragile Minds

Lyrics – Cut me open and you’ll find
A brain, heart, liver, lungs
And a knife in the spine
It’s chilling to know that the last place you go
Might be where the fat lady sings
Does it hurt? I don’t know, and where do we go?
We don’t tease fragile minds with such things
So sell me down the river
First help me sell my soul
It’s something I know I can deliver
I think we’ve finally broke the mould
It’s getting harder to know if I’m sane
My issues are leaking outside of my veins
Somebody save me or end me
I haven’t yet made up my mind
If it leads to paranoia, boy, you might want to hit the floor
Before exposure leads to a metamorphosis we can’t ignore
Lost in the whisper and hung on a prayer
If you don’t know where you’re going
Any road will take you there
So sell me down the river
First help me sell my soul
It’s something I know I can deliver
I think we’ve finally broke the mould
Will I be an end to someone’s destiny?
Who’s to know?
And will I give right in to my aggression?
Who’s to know?
Will I fall apart all alone
Who’s to know?
Or will I shine right through
And lay this hate to rest with all of you?
So sell me down the river (down the river)
First help me sell my soul
It’s something I know I can deliver (can deliver)
I think we’ve finally broke the mould

My 2 cents – i think that it is not too far of a reach to say that we have all felt like this on occasion… Alienated for just being individual. And insane for feeling like that. It’s a song that is hard not to feel is relatable. The video is well done, it really fits.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Au/ra – Ghost

Lyrics – Today I’m kinda feelin’ like a ghost
Call my friends but ain’t nobody home
Tell myself I’m fine, but I don’t really know
I’m just scared that I’ll end up
I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
I never let it show
But I feel like a missed call on a phone
Tryna live my life pay as you go
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up
I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
You know I’m like a ghost
Sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold
I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost
I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold
I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost
You know I never meant to cut you off
Got phantom feelings I can never stop
Stranger things to worry ’bout I know
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up
I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
I can’t see myself in the mirror
Does that mean I’m not really here?
I’m losin’ touch with everything I know
And I’m so scared that I’ll end up
I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
You know I’m like a ghost
Sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold
I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost
I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold
I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost
You know I’m like a ghost
Ooh, I’ll be ok
I’ll be alright
I know, ooh, I’ll be ok
I’m just scared that I’ll end up alone
You know I’m like a ghost
I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold
I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

My 2 cents – some days…. Booooo!

Tuesday Tunes

Bebe Rexha – I’m a Mess

Lyrics –

Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Everything’s gonna be alright, alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine, just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

My 2 cents – I feel like this song is so relatable. everyone feels like a mess on occasion. Some of us feel like more mess than right. So if today you are a mess…just turn the music up and let Bebe Sing your feelings for you.