Echoes Into the Void

So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.

The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.

So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.

There But for the grace of god….

TW: Discussion of Suicide

I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.

I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.

During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.

Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.

Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.

I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.

I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.

I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.

So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.

Tuesday Tunes

Bebe Rexha – Gonna Show you Crazy

Lyrics – There’s a war inside my head
Sometimes I wish that I was dead, I’m broken
So I call this therapist
And she said, “Girl, you can’t be fixed, just take this.”
I’m tired of trying to be normal
I’m always over-thinking
I’m driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy?
And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy?
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’ve been searching city streets
Trying to find the missing piece like you said
And I say child don’t need to find
There’s not a single thing that’s wrong with my mind
Yeah, I’m tired of tryna be normal
I’m always over-thinking
Driving myself crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy?
And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy?
I’m gonna show you
Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
(I’m gonna show you)
Crazy, crazy, yeah I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy, yeah I’m gonna show you
Crazy, crazy
Tired of tryna be normal
I’m driving myself crazy
And I don’t need your quick fix
I don’t want your prescriptions
Just ’cause you say I’m crazy
So what if I’m fucking crazy?!
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane,
Yeah, I’m gonna show you
I’m gonna show you
Yeah, I’m gonna show you

My 2 cents – I feel this song. So much. I have been fighting mental illness my whole life. I was misdiagnosed when I was younger, and the meds for the diagnosed disorder were not good for me. I ended up hallucinating, or lethargic. Added to the symptoms I already have… Well I was miserable. And I had a hard time getting doctors to hear me. So I often felt like I was crazy, and it was not a good thing. I think that we sometimes celebrate crazy with out helping it. It’s become cool to be out of your mind. Except for if you really are.

Monday mehs

So I have been absolutely busy. Writing and organizing books for publication. Problem is that I have been writing entries for upcoming anthologies… Not stuff that I am able to share. Add in a overwhelming exhaustion… I slept all of yesterday and could have continued to sleep. For me that is a strange thing. I am an insomniac, so sleep often gets left off of my to do list.

I released Dylan and the Pet Zombie, and I put Beautys Tears in to be released. I will probably be doing the book birthday post today. I realize that I forgot to do my Saturday link post for the month. This was a busy weekend… And I will be definitely telling you all about it on Thursday.

Today I am just taking a couch day. I honestly need a chance to recover. I did some yesterday. But I have to finish the resting. This time in less zombie… Lol.

Tuesday Tunes

Au/Ra – Ghost

Lyrics –

[Intro]
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)

[Verse 1]
Today I’m kinda feelin’ like a ghost
Call my friends but ain’t nobody home
Tell myself I’m fine but I don’t really know
I’m just scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
I never let it show
But I feel like a missed call on a phone
Tryna live my life, pay-as-you-go
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

[Verse 2]
You know I never meant to cut you off
Got phantom feelings I can never solve
Stranger things to worry ’bout, I know
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’llghost

up alone

[Pre-Chorus]
Can’t see myself in the mirror
Does that mean I’m not really here?
I’m losin’ touch with everything I know
And I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

[Bridge]
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
You know I’m like a ghost
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, you know I’m like a ghost)
Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’ll be alright, I know
Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’m just scared that I’ll end up alone
(Ooh, ooh)

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

My 2 cents –

I honestly thought about a holiday song… But not everyone celebrates the same holiday. So I found a song that I feel reflects how many feel during this time of year. The artist has a wonderful voice and you really feel the loneliness in the song. I often feel like a ghost, unseen. That is the result of having a chronic illness. I often end up with only my family as company because I am too ill to go out. And then anxiety adds to it. If you are feeling like a ghost… You are not as alone as you feel. Reach out. Message me (patti.mouse@gmail). I will always chat with anyone who feels alone.

Tuesday Tunes

Bad Wolves – Killing Me Slowly

Lyrics – Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I built these walls to hide my ghosts
Your fingers trace the wounds exposed
I try and try to let you in
But I fail again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I run this maze, erase my steps
With lips that lie, with every breath
You try and try to let me in
But I hurt you again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly
Killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)
You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)

My 2cents – first off let me apologize for the formatting. WordPress was stuck on stupid today and I couldn’t get the lyrics to unbold. The video for this song shows a woman dealing with infidelity. The song itself has power. We don’t often see the pieces that are broken off by the actions we take, and this song speaks about recovery from the loss of those broken bits. I love the strength it takes to say that I love you but you don’t know me. I see it as questioning whether the love is real. For me, I have felt the heaviness of a “love” like this. It’s one sided and it smothers you. It’s not really love but when you are under the spell of it you can’t imagine it as anything else.

So what do you think?

Tuesday Tunes

Au/Ra – Ghost

Lyrics –
[Intro]
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)

[Verse 1]
Today I’m kinda feelin’ like a ghost
Call my friends but ain’t nobody home
Tell myself I’m fine but I don’t really know
I’m just scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
I never let it show
But I feel like a missed call on a phone
Tryna live my life, pay-as-you-go
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

[Verse 2]
You know I never meant to cut you off
Got phantom feelings I can never solve
Stranger things to worry ’bout, I know
But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone

[Pre-Chorus]
Can’t see myself in the mirror
Does that mean I’m not really here?
I’m losin’ touch with everything I know
And I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost

[Bridge]
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
You know I’m like a ghost
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost)
(Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, you know I’m like a ghost)
Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’ll be alright, I know
Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’m just scared that I’ll end up alone
(Ooh, ooh)

[Chorus]
You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face
And it haunts me that I have to be this way
You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better
But I always seem to disappear again
You know I’m like a ghost



My 2 cents –
During this time of year,  something happens. For so many of us the holidays are a struggle. We end up feeling isolated. I know that not everyone who reads this is in winter right now,  but it is still valid even during the other seasons. If you feel unseen or isolated… Reach out. There is always someone who will listen.


There is no shame in needing help. You are not a ghost… Even if you feel like one.