time for a pause.

I don’t often post pictures of my daughter or myself, not on here. Today it seems important. I got a call this morning, while making breakfast and listening to her laughter as her and her dad were picking at each other.

I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is asthmatic, and her left lung has been hurting for a couple of days. She also had other concerns and needed shots. So the doc sent her for a chest X-ray.

That call was the nurse from the Doctor’s office. The X-ray came back as she has pneumonia. They want a covid test. And my heart dropped into my stomach. Since the pandemic hit we have been very careful. We don’t go anywhere, at least nowhere unnecessary. We are both asthmatic and her dad has emphysema. The whole lot of us are high risk.

So I am scared. I have a 16 year old stubborn girl who is going to need to rest… and like her mama, she is not inclined towards rest often. She is a busy bee with multiple things that she is wanting to do at any given moment.

We are just about to go out to get her covid test… and I am worried.

So I am probably not going to be posting this week due to this. I will be back next week, and I am going to try to be more active. thank you for understanding.

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Cal for Submissions – personal.

Ok. I am doing this as a personal project. I am putting together my grandmother’s stories and poetry my boyfriend’s grandmother wrote. But I want it to reflect the wisdom of all grandmothers. So here is my request.

Do you have a story that you remember your grandmother (abuela) telling? Or a bit of poetry they wrote that you would love to see in print? Try submitting it for this anthology. I am busier than I have any reason to expect – so I am setting the deadline for December first with a expected publishing date of the first of January.

I am also accepting art. I only ask that it is from your grandmothers. And that you are able to give consent for me to publish it.

To submit email the creation and a small introduction (preferred with a picture) of your grandma who created it. The address for this is authorpoetpatriciaharris@gmail.com

The above image will be the cover. I realize that this is gender biased. I feel like I have more from the amazing women who I am decended from than I do the men. And since I have been wanting to honor my maternal grandmother… This was born. Maybe I will someday do a call for grandfather lore… But first I need to do this.

Also… Notice that this is not a Fae Corps Inc project. There is a couple of reasons. One – this is a very personal project. I have been wanting to do it for a little while. Two – Fae Corps Inc has projects planned for the next two years. I will be posting the next call for submissions for them in November. The deadline for it will be after the first of the year. I want to release this with the new year.

Tired Tuesday

I am an Introvert. I am slightly agoraphobic. I really only go outside to get supplies or to go to the doctors. So, I don’t understand most of the time, why people avoid being home. (Note that when I say outside…I consider outside to be beyond my fenced in yard.)

I don’t watch the news…for my own mental health…people tend to hurt other people in the news. My soul is bruised by just reading about it. So I avoid the headlines. My main source of information tends to be seeing something on social media and then following my own curiosity to find the truth.

I have been trying to avoid the panic that is going along with the COVID-19 pandemic. I have been trying to publicly share educational activities on my Facebook page. Mostly because I realize that many people are facing children who are bored and have no idea how to deal with that.

We as a society have become dependent on being told what to do, and have been trained that school is for keeping our children busy. Life doesn’t always work that way…but we have become comfortable with it.

Now this was not a post to complain about societal issues. It came about because in a time of panic…I found that for Tuesday tunes I was unable to pick a song to offer hope…The only songs I could think of were apocalyptic. That is not good for me or you. So instead I will just say I am tired. I am tired of panic. I am tired of worry. I am tired of feeling helpless. Something that I am willing to bet many others feel. So…I am instead offering resources.(Copied from posts yesterday.) And I am asking if you would help me. let us gather together ideas to assist bored children to learn and families who are suffering to find assistance. State the country if it is not USA or international please.

I’m starting with graphics I found. Some of the sites are duplicated, but it provides a good variety.

Now some links…. These are for stuff to do with children still.

The next links are for assistance.

Okay. That is the resources that I have (Mostly). I may be posting a list to Facebook later of Educational Youtube channels. or I might post it here…not sure. Regardless…let us add to this list. Gather together and support those who are struggling with the lack of humanity today. understand that not all of us can handle being in our own space. And be safe!!!

Tuesday Tunes

Lyrics I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you I’m not a perfect person
I never…

My 2 cents So I end up associating people with songs…used to be only lovers, until this song. There was a young man …I truly thought of him as a little brother. He was about the same age as my little brother. I met him because he hung out with Joe’s kid brother. He was dating a friend of mine when this song came out. I have always had a huge music collection…multiple cd’s /cassettes back before mp3’s were a thing…and now gigabytes of mp3’s. I love music variety. However back then…I had never listened to the same song on repeat…I just had so many that I could put it on Auto Dj and not hear the same song twice in a day…even in a week if I am honest. Well Jeremy…The little brother like fellow…He would get on my computer and blast this song on repeat…we must have heard it a thousand times if we heard it once.

I am sharing this for a reason…he died, very young. He was 28. I find I am missing him lately often. He was all about his games, and we have all (my gaming group) been missing his enthusiasm. So Duesy…You are the reason I can’t hear this song with out cryin.

Tuesday Tunes

Steampianist – Thing

Lyrics – A distant lullaby, dying from my sight
A glow is amiss, fleeting from my side
Oh why, oh why
Alone in a cruel world
Leaves me
Cold and curled
But then
Friends
Warmth
Eyes that gleam
A glow returns once more it seems
I want hair like yours
I want hands like yours
I want fingers that curl in the cold like yours
I want eyes to stare
And to cry
When I’m feeling scared like you
Just like you
Soft lullabies, never leave my side
Glowing warm fur and gleaming round eyes
Isolated no more
My friends
Don’t struggle there is no point
You’ll never be alone
From now
Friends
Warmth
Never leave
Struggling only make the hugs much tighter
I want hair like yours
I want hands like yours
Fingers that curl in the cold like yours
I want eyes to stare
And to cry
When I’m feeling scared like you
Just like you
I want hair like yours
I want hands like yours
Fingers that curl in the cold like yours
I want eyes to stare
And to cry
When I’m feeling scared
Like you

My 2 cents- I am new to this song. I was drawing a blank as to the song to pick today… There are just so many good options… So I asked my 16 year old to suggest a song. Now mind you, she is where I go to for new music. Her tastes tend to run the gauntlet, but she usually suggests songs that I fall in love with. She appears to have chosen a Gothic tune to share this time. I love the melody and the lyrics are really good.

So since I got today’s song from her… I ask you, what song would you want to share with me?

Birth, life, and all that entails

I’m not usually one to do family pictures and such… But I am feeling my age today. Tomorrow my youngest turns sweet 16. She is amazing. She loves gaming and horror. She is very into the goth aesthetic. She takes no crap off of anyone. She is Badass at discovering new music, and creative as all get out.

My eldest (far right) is 30 and has two growing boys of his own. He is a volunteer fire fighter. He is hard working and a good father.

The third was my middle child. I was unable to keep him. I chose to give him up for adoption. I have been lucky enough that he has welcomed me back into his life as a friend. He is a delightful young man who is starting a good life. He writes poetry as well.

I am incredibly blessed with the 3 of them. And as I am looking at my youngest growing up on me… I think that I want to take the day in introspection.

Thursday Tea

Hello lovelies! I am having a coffee day, but as I have been saying all along… The tea table has options.

My life at the moment has been so busy that I don’t have much of an update on writing…. Though I do want to remind everyone that the deadline for submissions to Through the Sunshine is tomorrow! I am going to be posting something in the Fae Corps blog as well. Remember that this is just for first drafts. We can only take the ones who get that first draft in under the deadline…

Life has been busy here. We finally got the contract to buy our house. And I have a birthday girl turning 16 next week. My suv needs to be taken in to get tires replaced. And we are still rehabbing a couple of rooms in the house. Add the stress of all of this and Dr’s appointments, and everything else… You can see why I have been doing less on the writing front.

I am hoping that things settle some in February and I can get Heart Drops written some. I have spoken with my illustrator about Dylan’s next adventure. She is having life hit her as well, so Dylan may not be able to get finished for a couple of months. I will keep you updated.

I am going to be trying to schedule Tuesday’s post as I am going to be spending as much time as I can with my day with my princess. 2020 is shaping up to be a very complex year for me.

Tuesday Tunes

Unlike Pluto – Sanity

Lyrics – When you’re all fucked up from a little bad luck and
Somehow your mind will start to go away
Fucked up from life’s dark touch and
You curl up and hope that it’ll go away

I fall, you fall
Let’s have a ball
Drag you below
Cuz we’re all goners anyway
Just take my hand
No time to waste
I’m off the case
My mind is on a holiday
I’ll check back in another day
Hey

Cuz I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul
Losing my, losing my mind is first to go
Losing my, losing my, losing my soul
Losing my, losing my sanity is gone

I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul
My sanity is gone

Cuz when I fly, Houston we got a problem
When I drop, I don’t know why I’m even here
It’s fucked up, cuz sometimes it’s fun
And I think that you need to lighten up a bit

On my call, we jump
Then we’ll collide
Drag you below
Cuz we’re all goners anyway
Just take my hand
No time to waste
I’m off the case
My mind is on a holiday
I’ll check back in another day
Hey

Cuz I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul
Losing my, losing my mind is first to go
Losing my, losing my, losing my soul
Losing my, losing my sanity is gone

I’m losing my, losing my, losing my soul
My sanity is…

What you want from me
I’m insane today
It’s not going away
Live my life today
Roll the dice and say
I wouldn’t have it any other way

My 2cents – well I am far from the most music savvy person in my house. That honestly belongs to my kiddo. She came to me last week all excited… “Mommy, Unlike Pluto has a new one!” So we listened. Honestly it is a good song. It has a good beat and feel to it.