Publication, and the snarls within

I have been proudly Indie Publishing for a decade now. I am always looking for better platforms. Better tools, not just for me, but for the other authors I work with. I like Draft2digital for their eBook option. We are looking at other Print options for the future. The pandemic has caused a few errors in the print that has us concerned. Also other places offer hardback, which we have been unable to do before. I have been reaching out, submitting my work to other presses to get more eyes on my writing.

I have no intention of naming names, but I have come to the conclusion that not all of the small presses are created equal. I honestly believe that you need both smarts or heart to do anthologies. Some of the presses possess this. They understand dealing with writer’s is choosing to deal with chaos. I find that this will be the last time I involve myself with at least one of them. For I feel less than appreciated. I will be in the anthology, but I will not be listed as one of the authors with amazon…there was only enough room to list the editors….

To me that feels like I am being told that I have less to be proud about with the anthology than the editors do….so I think I may decide to not talk about it….

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Meredith Brooks – Bitch

Lyrics – [Verse 1]
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Verse 2]
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Bridge]
Just when you think you got me figured out
The season’s already changing
I think it’s cool, you do what you do
And don’t try to save me

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Chorus 2]
I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb, I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way

My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.

Thursday Tea Party

Time for Tea, Thursday Tea Party
Thusday tea party

Hello lovely readers! Time for tea again. Today is a Lipton Ice tea for me.

I don’t know if you noticed… But I stopped doing the monthly link posts… This is because I added a page for the links. I feel like this makes them easier to find. However it also, I suppose makes it easier for some people to ignore… It has good and bad to it. Still I feel like this is a better way.

The pandemic has been doing a real number on my ability to focus and thus my ability to write. I am currently working on writing my submissions for Fae Corps anthology Fae Dreams. The theme is Goals /dreams. Serena has already submitted for this and Nightmare Whispers. Both have the deadline of August 31. So far I have 1 poem to submit… Out of the 5 possible. So I have got to get writing! Can’t let Serena outdo me, right?

I finished with a sketchbook. I plan on doing a video sketchbook tour for patreon this weekend (patrons only but you can be a patron for as little as a $1 a month. ) I think that I did really well with some of those pieces.

Also I just got a new deck. Readings are available (by donations only, I don’t set a price. I ask only that you donate something for your reading and leave the amount up to you. ) I will be doing a full post about this tomorrow with deck pictures.

Whelp it’s Wednesday

I know that I missed yesterday… It is due to changes that hit me a little hard. My boyfriend was laid off, so my sleep schedule and our finances are about to drastically change.

I felt like all of the pressure from this would cause the pick of music to be more depressing. I also needed time to process and accept the change.

I still plan on posting today my art as I always do. I just wanted to explain why I missed yesterday.

Thursday, A Case of the Blahs

I am a creative person… First and foremost. It is just a truth about me. And I usually have some idea of what to create… But every now and then I get the blahs. When I don’t want to do anything. I just can’t think of anything I want to make/write. Sure, I can do prompts… And I often do to break the blahs. But sometimes I just like letting the mood work itself out.

That means that I don’t have an update for a tea party. As I have been lacking in forward momentum for a couple of weeks now. It will pass. But until it does… I am just not feeling it.

Crisis of self

Okay so I have my own view on life. I am fairly open minded and will always accept that I might be wrong. That is… I don’t believe that I am wrong, but I am not infallible. That being said… I saw a post that I shared… And immediately regretted.

Not because of comments… Or the like… But because it made me think. Don’t we all hate being made to think? What is it that makes a good person? Is it a certain set of views on politics? I know that I am adamant on my view on abortion. A good friend who is usually seen as a good man… He has a differing opinion. So does that make me the bad person?

How do we determine if someone is good or bad… If it is easy to determine? I don’t know that it is. I think that the current events are enough to put division between neighbors… In religion we are taught to love our neighbors.. Doesn’t matter if they are good people or not… However it never says that we have to expose ourselves to their beliefs. Or them.

So I pose the question… Do you think that you have a good person?

Tuesday Tunes

Bebe Rexha – I’m a Mess

Lyrics –

Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Everything’s gonna be alright, alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine, just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

My 2 cents – I feel like this song is so relatable. everyone feels like a mess on occasion. Some of us feel like more mess than right. So if today you are a mess…just turn the music up and let Bebe Sing your feelings for you.

Words are hard

Yesterday I was wanting to do a post about Japanese poetry forms. Japan is a place with a very rich culture and their literature shows it. Their mythology and history is such a diverse and interesting set of topics that the average person might be confused by it.

So I was wanting to be sure that I had the spelling and such right. When I don’t know the proper way to spell… I Google. Google led me to an article that I was blown away by. The writer is far more eloquent on the topic than I feel capable of. So, I admit I felt discouraged.

One of the problems that many authors face is the issue of comparison… Not by others but the comparison we do ourselves. It is so hard to see our own writing and feel accomplished. It is so hard not to hate on our own way of speaking. Dude, words are hard. Especially when you read someone else has written it in a way that just makes sense.

So, I have shared the link above to the article on Japanese poetry. I ask you… What forms do you like and where does it orignate from? Do you find articles that hit home and feel seen or discouraged? And why?

Echoes Into the Void

So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.

The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.

So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.