There But for the grace of god….

TW: Discussion of Suicide

I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.

I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.

During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.

Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.

Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.

I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.

I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.

I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.

So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.

New Year Same old Tea

Hello again. Well it’s 2020…and all sorts of jokes can be made there. For me though the first of a new decade, while life changing, doesn’t change my routine much. I submitted some poems to Indie Blue Publishing’s call that I shared yesterday. I have been accepted by the coffee house writers anthology. Serena has a story in for Fae Corps Publishing’s upcoming Light Fae Anthology “Through The Sunshine”. (The deadline to which is the last day of this month.) Fae Corps anthology, Faery Footprints, is due to publish on the 6th. There is a Facebook event for it this weekend.

I have started to build a habit of drawing every day. I have been posting the results to the Myne Drawings photo album on my Facebook page. It’s a public album that you can look at if you are feeling like it. I am hoping that this helps me to improve. Talent is something that you are born with. I have talent for poetry. It comes naturally. My brother got the talent for drawing. It is natural for him. Skill requires work. It requires practice. I am developing my ability. What are you trying to get skill at, and what do you have talent in?

Look for release announcements for Dylan and the Pet Zombie & Beauty’s Tears within January. I am thinking of maybe doing a small series of Dylan stories. I am so in love with the illustrations done by Shannon.

Dylan is such an active young man… The only problem is… The apocalypse has hit. Zombies walk, and he is not able to be out to play like he used to.

It’s a kid’s book, and a really cute one. Cyndi is currently working with Shannon to redo her kid’s book Kiko and the bananas. Due to contractual issues she had to unpublish that one. She is going to release it through Fae Corps Publishing once the new illustration is done.

My word for 2020 is change… But that doesn’t mean that I have to change everything. Marie Kondo has a good idea, at least in a way. You should keep what makes you happy, what sparks Joy. Change is a necessary thing. Stagnation comes from a lack of change. I am not one to allow myself to stagnation. So I am working on changing habits, self recriminations, my inner voice. Things like that.

What are you working on this year?

A decade in review

Wow. A whole decade. Doesn’t sound like much… Especially after you reach a certain age. Ten years ago I published my first volume of poetry. A Pocketful of Poetry was a dream my whole life. I did not like the idea that the publisher could change the words and appearance of my poetry. So, for me, it was something that had to be just a dream until I could do it myself. I looked into self publishing… And initially all that I could find was the pay as you print options. That is not how I wanted to do things. And along came Amazon with Kdp. Suddenly indie publishing was a more viable option. Suddenly I could have a dream come true.

In the interim, I have published a lot more books. Some as me, some as Serena. 3 kids’ books, 1 novella, 1 novel, 1 anthology, 1 memoir, and 18 poetry volumes. I have been published in several literary magazines. It is very surprising what can happen in 10 years.

On a personal level, I have moved from Oklahoma back to West Virginia. I have always been a West Virginia girl, so I was miserable in Oklahoma. I have lost a hundred pounds. I have become more confident about my art and myself.

So I am ready for all that the 20’s have for me. Are you?

Last Friday

So I have a set up for this blog… Mostly. Monday is poetry.. Either mine or discussion of others. Tuesday is Tuesday tunes. Wednesday is either webcomics Wednesday or wordless Wednesday… Or very rarely Wednesday whimsy. Thursday is either tea party or reviews. The first Friday will be monthly prompts. I am considering a monthly submissions call on the second week. (Where I scour through finding calls for submissions for you all) I have two Fridays (most months) that I am still not sure about. I am considering doing a service spotlight where I point attention to a person providing a service for writer’s (editors, illustrators, cover designers, etc). 2020 my word for the year is change. I am going to embrace change. That means I am looking to improve how I interact with the world around me, how I approach my writing.

That is incredbly scary. Courage is not the lack of fear, instead it is being afraid and doing it anyway. I am terrified of change. It brings more Chaos… But I am facing it anyway.

So, I challenge you. What is your word for 2020? What are you going to embrace, and change in your life? No, I am not speaking of new year’s resolutions… This is something that is meant to make you think about you and how you approach life.

Tuesday Tunes

Bad Wolves – Killing Me Slowly

Lyrics – Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I built these walls to hide my ghosts
Your fingers trace the wounds exposed
I try and try to let you in
But I fail again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I run this maze, erase my steps
With lips that lie, with every breath
You try and try to let me in
But I hurt you again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly
Killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)
You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)

My 2cents – first off let me apologize for the formatting. WordPress was stuck on stupid today and I couldn’t get the lyrics to unbold. The video for this song shows a woman dealing with infidelity. The song itself has power. We don’t often see the pieces that are broken off by the actions we take, and this song speaks about recovery from the loss of those broken bits. I love the strength it takes to say that I love you but you don’t know me. I see it as questioning whether the love is real. For me, I have felt the heaviness of a “love” like this. It’s one sided and it smothers you. It’s not really love but when you are under the spell of it you can’t imagine it as anything else.

So what do you think?

Thursday Tea Party

Hiya lovelies! Today is a simple black tea with honey kind of day. Today is a light news day. I find myself sitting here with no announcements to share. I do realize how rare that is.

It makes me wonder that most Thursdays I have so much to say. We have been doing this tea party for most of 2019, and this is the first time I have been without any announcements to impart.

Next week I am probably not going to post on Thursday. Here in America, next Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day of indulgence where we are supposed to be grateful for all of the blessings in our lives. Grateful, I am. Even if some days gratitude comes at a price of self-doubt and self introspection.

However it is usually a day of family and food. I plan on enjoying both.

Friday Prompts – Thankful

Thankful.

I normally try to do a poem to the prompts… Today I am feeling maudlin. So I am instead going to just ramble a bit. Thankful gets woefully overused… Especially in November. I know of people who post gratitude posts daily in November. For me that always has felt like false bravado. I am grateful for so much all through out the year, limiting it to November would be painful.

I am, however, the sort to point out things that are done that elicit that gratitude. This year has seen a lot of growth in me, and in my blog. I have seen the people who are following me grow. I have people who interact with my blog now. I am thankful for you all.