Something new I am thinking about. Sometimes I want to jam. Just free verse because I have too much on my mind. It will likely be rambling and not the cleanest verse. But… It will be a good look into who I am behind the edited and clean verse I usually post. This will also not necessarily be the way that the poetry ends in the books. This section will not be scheduled. It will be a whim. And I make no promise of quality….
Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.
Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.
My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?
After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.
How fleeting life can be. A string of moments, all connected with something called a lifespan. I recently got news about a friend who is fighting cancer. It hit harder than I ever could have expected any news to hit. She is younger than me. And it feels damned unfair. Now mind you, as usual, she has it under control. She has always had it under control.
It seems like it is easy to react from outside of a situation with righteous indignation, and fear. Those two emotions cause us to fail to see the weight we put on the one inside with each question. Sometimes, it would be kinder to just be an ear.
It’s hard to be just an ear when we want to scream frustration. It will pass but what damage do you do to those around you as you fight to calm yourself down?
That is the stage I am in. I am fighting to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is not about me, and I have to learn how to be there for her. I have to not let my own fears come between me and supporting her. It is Damned Unfair, but life is not about what is fair. It is about learning, loving, and creating. So I wish for all of you…
I don’t usually do pictures of my self here. I usually stick with my art and go…. But I feel like this is the best way of expressing my thoughts here. Each of them are pictures of me at the various stages of life. Picture #1 is child… I think that I was 2? Maybe 3. I had no thought of the future… It was all about living and playing. Picture #2 is my senior year. I made the jewelry I was wearing. I saw everything I wanted in life become impossible. I worked so hard just to find out that life was unfair. I didn’t see myself reaching 30…and I was beyond over caring. I couldn’t go to college. I couldn’t get custody of my son… Life was sucking, but I didn’t care because I could survive. I had friends and family. I was incredibly oblivious and it worked. Picture #3 I was in my early 30’s… I had a toddler. That is the best picture of that time in my life. I was out thousands of miles from home, stuck in what seemed the most foriegn land I would ever know. I had made it… Now what did I do. I was healing my mind and raising my girl. I think that I spent the next few years just asking myself what now. How does one plan for an age they never expected to reach? And when they do, how do you find that steady point? Picture #4…that is 4 years ago. My life is in chaos. That is the year I decided to start a blog. I published more, that is the year two of my kids books and another poetry volume was released. It was the beginning of another chapter in my weird story. I don’t want to put another picture here because I don’t feel like I am in another era for me. I am in my crone phase, and I think that I am rocking it. I am growing. Each day I learn.
When I started with the whole blog thing I was really green. Now I watch my following grow daily. I only hope it is because you are enjoying the content. Thank you for seeing me! Btw Friday will be prompts again and I am hoping to do the monthly links post on Saturday. I am just over 350 following. At 500 I will do a drawing for a hand written or unique drawing from me. Till tomorrow.
Three days of insomnia has me Maudlin and Derpy…and oddly enough it has made me more productive. I have been writing more in the last three days than I have a month prior. I feel like my brain is on fire…and it is not necessarily a bad thing. I was starting to worry….2019 has not been seeing much writing from me. I had ideas…folders full. It was not a lack of ability, or ideas. Ability never leaves. Not truely, though we sometimes feel like it has. It is similar to the question of whether you would want to have talent or skill. I have, I think, broached that topic on this blog before.
No, my issue was something broader. I couldn’t seem to create. I was in a fog. I could write, but it was like pouring molasses out in winter. Last year I was writing like a madwoman. Poetry and novel both were going out well. It was colder and felt like winter last year. This year it has been muddy and wet, and I have been feeling it. I am a spring child. I love my cooler temps, but I hate the deep cold of winter. I have not had the winter I was expecting. It feels like I am whining.
So, three days ago I sat in front of my computer. I usually do my writing on my phone. The computer is for editing and layout usually. I just wanted to try something different, hoping to snap myself out of the funk. Routine is often a writer’s best tool…I am the exception to that. I get panicky over routine. I obsess over it. Which takes away productivity. So, I was trying to put some randomness back into my writing. I chose a story that I had barely touched. Something I have less invested in. So if I failed in writing it would not hurt Serena’s Life, Guilt and Undeath. I got a little over a thousand words written. Suddenly, Poetry and stories were flowing.
Then my brain wouldn’t shut down. It was like I had to make up all of the time I had lost. So today I am tired. This wasn’t what I planned to post, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I did have planned. I hope to sleep tonight, but I will settle for just relaxing today. I will be doing more writing. I think I will put the computer in a rotation to make the writing easier. I use evernote for most of my writing anyway, and I have it on my computer to make things easier.
Nothing I can do about the insomnia, it happens often enough. I can control my writing though, to some extent. I can seek to improve my craft, make it easier for me to do what I need to do.
Fridays, I usually do writing advice on my Blog, Instead I will be posting a couple of word games to give my brain a break. So, I will leave you with a question. What do you do for routines? What can you do to improve your outlook, or your craft?
So I normally do Monday poetry… But I didn’t feel it this week. This week I wanted to be absolutely all over the place… Chat about phone wallpaper and fun nonsense. To be honest I have been needing a lighter tone the last few days. My mind has been in some weird places… New story ideas for Serena and she still has to finish the one she is working on. This week will be both of us settling in to write, and it scares me. I have been running away from the computer and writing since thanksgiving, letting the inner voice get to me. Poetry has happened. Poetry always will. It does not scare me as bad. I know that I have skill and talent there. The demons that eat at the mind there were slain a long time ago. The demons attached to the stories and the art… They still claw at the tender bits in the back of my mind.
See every artist, no matter what their medium is, faces those demons. That wee bit of our inner soul that tells us that we are not worthy. That we will never be enough. Some, like Vincent Van Gogh, fight with the demons and lose. Not because they were not amazing, but because the demons are strong. The call to art, to create, is unbearable. But not all create on the same level. I am no Van Gogh. But I sit and question if it matters? Can I create and just be Patricia Harris? Is that enough? Well I have decided that with my poetry, it is. Now I have to get to that point with each medium I use. Serena’s macabre tales, my own children’s stories, acrylic paints, resin and jewelry art, watercolor paints, digital art, and even simple pencil drawing. I seem to have an endless imagination. Just not the confidence to back it up.
And look at this… I was supposed to chat about lighter topics. I have two phones… One that is active and one that I use as a tablet… I change my wallpaper on both about once a month. How often do you change your background on your devices? Care to share your background? Here are mine.
I considered sharing my lockscreens, but as both devices are my grandsons pictures (2 boys, 2 devices) I don’t think I will. Though I am proud of both I limit who I share my boys with because of the bad people in the world. I share that with people I trust.
So, what are your demons about? And do you want to share your wallpaper?
Ever wonder what makes you unique? Is it your environment, your choices? The combined experience? Here lately I’ve been questioning whether I was as unique as I used to think. In high school it was my thing… I was unique and no one could tell me different. Well high school was nearly 30 years ago. In that time I have been taught lessons from life that made the lines blur.
I have met others who have similar stories to mine. Often ones who I see as stronger than I am. I often see myself as weak. Survival doesn’t mean that you are strong, at least not always. Some times survival is just doing what you have always done.
Yeah, my thoughts are fragments. But it still is a legitimate question, what makes you unique? What about you is different than the next guy?
Oh btw this is research on character development for me… So please do give me your thoughts.