So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Thursday, A Case of the Blahs

I am a creative person… First and foremost. It is just a truth about me. And I usually have some idea of what to create… But every now and then I get the blahs. When I don’t want to do anything. I just can’t think of anything I want to make/write. Sure, I can do prompts… And I often do to break the blahs. But sometimes I just like letting the mood work itself out.

That means that I don’t have an update for a tea party. As I have been lacking in forward momentum for a couple of weeks now. It will pass. But until it does… I am just not feeling it.

Crisis of self

Okay so I have my own view on life. I am fairly open minded and will always accept that I might be wrong. That is… I don’t believe that I am wrong, but I am not infallible. That being said… I saw a post that I shared… And immediately regretted.

Not because of comments… Or the like… But because it made me think. Don’t we all hate being made to think? What is it that makes a good person? Is it a certain set of views on politics? I know that I am adamant on my view on abortion. A good friend who is usually seen as a good man… He has a differing opinion. So does that make me the bad person?

How do we determine if someone is good or bad… If it is easy to determine? I don’t know that it is. I think that the current events are enough to put division between neighbors… In religion we are taught to love our neighbors.. Doesn’t matter if they are good people or not… However it never says that we have to expose ourselves to their beliefs. Or them.

So I pose the question… Do you think that you have a good person?

Tuesday Tunes

Bebe Rexha – I’m a Mess

Lyrics –

Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me
But that’s okay
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love myself anyway
Hey Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be okay
It’s gonna be a good, good life
That’s what my therapist say
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Everything’s gonna be alright, alright
Everything’s gonna be just fine, just fine
It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser
I’m a hater, I’m a user
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed
I don’t trust no one around us
I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new

My 2 cents – I feel like this song is so relatable. everyone feels like a mess on occasion. Some of us feel like more mess than right. So if today you are a mess…just turn the music up and let Bebe Sing your feelings for you.

Echoes Into the Void

So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.

The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.

So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.

A decade in review

Wow. A whole decade. Doesn’t sound like much… Especially after you reach a certain age. Ten years ago I published my first volume of poetry. A Pocketful of Poetry was a dream my whole life. I did not like the idea that the publisher could change the words and appearance of my poetry. So, for me, it was something that had to be just a dream until I could do it myself. I looked into self publishing… And initially all that I could find was the pay as you print options. That is not how I wanted to do things. And along came Amazon with Kdp. Suddenly indie publishing was a more viable option. Suddenly I could have a dream come true.

In the interim, I have published a lot more books. Some as me, some as Serena. 3 kids’ books, 1 novella, 1 novel, 1 anthology, 1 memoir, and 18 poetry volumes. I have been published in several literary magazines. It is very surprising what can happen in 10 years.

On a personal level, I have moved from Oklahoma back to West Virginia. I have always been a West Virginia girl, so I was miserable in Oklahoma. I have lost a hundred pounds. I have become more confident about my art and myself.

So I am ready for all that the 20’s have for me. Are you?

Tuesday Tunes

Bad Wolves – Killing Me Slowly

Lyrics – Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I built these walls to hide my ghosts
Your fingers trace the wounds exposed
I try and try to let you in
But I fail again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

Killing me
Killing me
Killing me slowly

I run this maze, erase my steps
With lips that lie, with every breath
You try and try to let me in
But I hurt you again and again

So I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But I don’t wanna give you away
Yeah I keep you at arm’s length and let you go
But only if you promise to stay

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly
Killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You’re everything I need
I should have known, I should have known
You’re everything I need
I should have known

You think you know that you know
But you really don’t know me
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

And now I can’t eat, can’t sleep
Knowing that you’re not lonely
I know you love so hard
And it’s killing me slowly

You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)
You’re everything I need
I should have known
(Killing me)
(Killing me)
(Killing me slowly)

My 2cents – first off let me apologize for the formatting. WordPress was stuck on stupid today and I couldn’t get the lyrics to unbold. The video for this song shows a woman dealing with infidelity. The song itself has power. We don’t often see the pieces that are broken off by the actions we take, and this song speaks about recovery from the loss of those broken bits. I love the strength it takes to say that I love you but you don’t know me. I see it as questioning whether the love is real. For me, I have felt the heaviness of a “love” like this. It’s one sided and it smothers you. It’s not really love but when you are under the spell of it you can’t imagine it as anything else.

So what do you think?

Thursday Tea Party

Hello lovelies! Tonight, I have coffee instead of tea… And lots of it. I am in the home stretch for Beauty’s Tears – only 9 poems left to write. I am hoping to knock out the writing before the first. I likely will not be getting to Layout until December, but it means that Heart Drops will be started with the poems of the PAD challenge.

Fae Corps will be doing another round of daily prompts in November. I will probably be reblogging many of them. The first group got a good reception so we decided to do them for nano/poetry writers in November.

I have been approached by another poet/author about doing a guest blog. Her idea intrigued me! So I will be posting it as soon as she gets it to me for you to read. I enjoy her poetry so I believe that you will enjoy the post.

So… I am facing my fears… And then some. I asked about doing a author signing event yesterday. I also have found a craft fair to try and sell my art and crafts at. This is such a big thing. I have been making art, jewelry, and resin pieces. And due to fear, I have been sticking it all in bins. Anxiety often keeps me from doing. I was called out for my bs. Joe, my boyfriend, told me that if I was not going to do anything to sell or use it then I should stop making it. I hate it when he is right. So I am swallowing the what if I fail fear. The first craft show is a local hot dog sale on the first Saturday in November. I have to get to earning money for books for the signing event. I personally have 19 poetry volumes, 3 kids books, and a memoir. Plus Serena’s 2. And the anthology. That makes it expensive to have even a small amount of copies to sell. Those numbers just make me want to cry.

The beginning of the year will be seeing a lot of new things, from me and from Fae Corps. We have a lot planned. I will be seeing the release of my Beauty’s Tears and the anthology Faery Footprints in December. I am hoping that Serena will have a book ready for release with the new year. I am looking at the release of the audiobook version for the princess lost.

This year is still going to be bringing new challenges. What are you hoping to do before the end of 2019?

Thursday Tea Party

Today is a coffee day. So much on my mind today, and no where near enough sleep.

Did you see that my bestie has a new book out? You can get it here. I am so proud of her. She worked really hard to get it out.

I applied, and was accepted, for a position with Coffee House Writers. I will be doing a bi-weekly article for them. My anxiety is through the roof. After all what do I write? Especially for the first one. After I get used to it, I don’t think that it will be as bad. The article has to use 5 of their tags… Which are expansive, but I am not one who is used to conformity with tags. I am stuck in a debate whether to write an article, a story, or a poem. It is so much to think on.

Have you preordered Inspiration Without a Home yet? It releases on the 30th of September. It is a hard story for me, my own. Memoirs are never easy to write. This was not any different.

I have been working on my studio. I nearly have all craft and art supplies moved in. I still have to organize it. I will be posting pictures as I get it useable.

Social anxiety is no joke. I have jewelry pieces and paintings to sell. I have an online store but it is not as active as I would like. I think it is due to me not being as good at taking pictures of what I make. My resin pieces and art always look so much better in person. I can get a table at the local flea market for $5 a day. The problem is that I am terrified that I will make a mess of selling it. So I may be putting out time and money for a fail. I love making the pieces. But I am often putting a lot of money into crafting with no return. So I am planning to do the flea market the first weekend in October.

Monday musings

I know that I usually post poetry on Monday, but the last week has been a rough one for me and creating. Between a death in the family, that hit rather hard, and general aches and pains… This week has been a lot of “couch time”…basically me and my television have seen more of each other than I ever do.

There is always a little slow down after I publish a new volume. When I wonder if I am foolish and vain for publishing. When I acknowledge that I don’t do well with pushing the books that I already have out. When I wonder who I would be if I didn’t write. When the idea scares me, so I try to force it… And end up scraping a few really bad foced starts. This is the first month after I publish a new volume.

Then, I start actually calming down… Realize that I don’t have to sell it. I have written it. I have put it out into the world so that it can be seen. I have done my part. It is my job to write, not to force anyone to read it. Those who are meant to be be my readers will find it, as long as I keep sharing. Which I have been doing a bit more of. I have been putting my poetry on graphics and putting more on my blog, and Instagram. I have a public album on Facebook and a board on Pinterest. In the meantime what that time of panic and reflection often means is that I have nothing worth sharing today, except for the view of my weirdo neurotic mind. Some like that view though, so I decided to share.