Everything’s been so messed up here lately Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me He don’t love me, he don’t love me But that’s okay ‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me Yeah, I love me Yeah, I love myself anyway Hey Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be okay It’s gonna be a good, good, life That’s what my therapist say Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Nobody shows up unless I’m paying Have a drink on me cheers to the failing Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me He don’t love me, he don’t love me But that’s okay ‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me Yeah, I love me Yeah, I love myself anyway Hey Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be okay It’s gonna be a good, good life That’s what my therapist say Everything’s gonna be alright Everything’s gonna be just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new Everything’s gonna be alright, alright Everything’s gonna be just fine, just fine It’s gonna be a good, good life I’m a mess, I’m a loser I’m a hater, I’m a user I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed I don’t trust no one around us I’m a mess for your love, it ain’t new
My 2 cents – I feel like this song is so relatable. everyone feels like a mess on occasion. Some of us feel like more mess than right. So if today you are a mess…just turn the music up and let Bebe Sing your feelings for you.
Yesterday I was wanting to do a post about Japanese poetry forms. Japan is a place with a very rich culture and their literature shows it. Their mythology and history is such a diverse and interesting set of topics that the average person might be confused by it.
So I was wanting to be sure that I had the spelling and such right. When I don’t know the proper way to spell… I Google. Google led me to an article that I was blown away by. The writer is far more eloquent on the topic than I feel capable of. So, I admit I felt discouraged.
One of the problems that many authors face is the issue of comparison… Not by others but the comparison we do ourselves. It is so hard to see our own writing and feel accomplished. It is so hard not to hate on our own way of speaking. Dude, words are hard. Especially when you read someone else has written it in a way that just makes sense.
So, I have shared the link above to the article on Japanese poetry. I ask you… What forms do you like and where does it orignate from? Do you find articles that hit home and feel seen or discouraged? And why?
So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.
The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.
So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.
I’m not usually one to do family pictures and such… But I am feeling my age today. Tomorrow my youngest turns sweet 16. She is amazing. She loves gaming and horror. She is very into the goth aesthetic. She takes no crap off of anyone. She is Badass at discovering new music, and creative as all get out.
My eldest (far right) is 30 and has two growing boys of his own. He is a volunteer fire fighter. He is hard working and a good father.
The third was my middle child. I was unable to keep him. I chose to give him up for adoption. I have been lucky enough that he has welcomed me back into his life as a friend. He is a delightful young man who is starting a good life. He writes poetry as well.
I am incredibly blessed with the 3 of them. And as I am looking at my youngest growing up on me… I think that I want to take the day in introspection.
I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.
I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.
During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.
Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.
Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.
I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.
I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.
I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.
So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.
Wow. A whole decade. Doesn’t sound like much… Especially after you reach a certain age. Ten years ago I published my first volume of poetry. A Pocketful of Poetry was a dream my whole life. I did not like the idea that the publisher could change the words and appearance of my poetry. So, for me, it was something that had to be just a dream until I could do it myself. I looked into self publishing… And initially all that I could find was the pay as you print options. That is not how I wanted to do things. And along came Amazon with Kdp. Suddenly indie publishing was a more viable option. Suddenly I could have a dream come true.
In the interim, I have published a lot more books. Some as me, some as Serena. 3 kids’ books, 1 novella, 1 novel, 1 anthology, 1 memoir, and 18 poetry volumes. I have been published in several literary magazines. It is very surprising what can happen in 10 years.
On a personal level, I have moved from Oklahoma back to West Virginia. I have always been a West Virginia girl, so I was miserable in Oklahoma. I have lost a hundred pounds. I have become more confident about my art and myself.
So I am ready for all that the 20’s have for me. Are you?
So I have a set up for this blog… Mostly. Monday is poetry.. Either mine or discussion of others. Tuesday is Tuesday tunes. Wednesday is either webcomics Wednesday or wordless Wednesday… Or very rarely Wednesday whimsy. Thursday is either tea party or reviews. The first Friday will be monthly prompts. I am considering a monthly submissions call on the second week. (Where I scour through finding calls for submissions for you all) I have two Fridays (most months) that I am still not sure about. I am considering doing a service spotlight where I point attention to a person providing a service for writer’s (editors, illustrators, cover designers, etc). 2020 my word for the year is change. I am going to embrace change. That means I am looking to improve how I interact with the world around me, how I approach my writing.
That is incredbly scary. Courage is not the lack of fear, instead it is being afraid and doing it anyway. I am terrified of change. It brings more Chaos… But I am facing it anyway.
So, I challenge you. What is your word for 2020? What are you going to embrace, and change in your life? No, I am not speaking of new year’s resolutions… This is something that is meant to make you think about you and how you approach life.