Quicksilver poetry

Something new I am thinking about. Sometimes I want to jam. Just free verse because I have too much on my mind. It will likely be rambling and not the cleanest verse. But… It will be a good look into who I am behind the edited and clean verse I usually post. This will also not necessarily be the way that the poetry ends in the books. This section will not be scheduled. It will be a whim. And I make no promise of quality….

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Random thoughts of poetry.

Now I normally don’t do this. I don’t explain my poetry, or my art, because I think that most people see what they want to in anything creative. I feel like explanation ruins a piece. To be honest this post is not entirely an explanation… But rather an aside. I have been thinking a lot lately about accountability. About guilt and mistakes. About what I am responsible for in my life and what regrets I should have and what it all means.

I have thought about the regrets that others have expressed towards me. I find that I have very few actual regrets. Each of my choices I made with all of the knowledge that I had at the time. I have revisited some of them later… And hindsight makes regret easy… If you let it.

The problem comes in when you allow regret to consume your conscience. We are as a society, cold. We have lost the conscience. We have lost the knowledge of good and evil, or the will to care. When prison actually looks better than trying to make your way in this miserable world…lives of others no longer matter. That is not a mental illness thing… It is a wake up call.

We have a society where you can work 60+ hours a week and still not be able to afford to pay rent. We live in a society where there is often no way of breaking even, much less getting ahead. Where hate and violence is broadcast nightly on the news. So I have to wonder how we as a society can fix this? How can we take responsibility for the problem and fix it?

Fantasy Friday

I am a dreamer. Most writers are. It sort of goes with the job. Some times the dreams help the writing. Other times, not as much. So there are occasions when dreaming needs to be done with no plans for writing those dreams out. To dream for no other reason than to replenish the pool of imagination.

So today I want to discuss imagination. My grandmother firmly believed that exercising your imagination to strengthen your mind. She has always been a major influence on me. She introduced me to radio shows, like she listened to as a child. She was a natural storyteller. She taught me to love the written word.

So I wanted to write from an early age. Stories had a special place in my heart. It was just fun.

Faeries, dragons, and other fantasy creatures spark the imagination. As a tabletop gamer I have access to more information about the creatures of imagination. This gives me more room to create. However, this doesn’t always give me a unique view. Some times I struggle with the idea that I add the uniqueness to my writing naturally.

It is not a uncommon problem with authors. I have been working on my issues here. Today I think that I will dream…

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Writing Friday

Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.

Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.

My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?

After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.

Tuesday Tea party

I have some announcements and I just generally felt like rambling a bit. First… Let’s get the announcement portion done.

This week my writing advice on Friday will be about poetry. Depending upon the response I may do more about poetry. We will see.

I have been accepted to write poetry for Creative Risings Ezine. I will be posting the links and information as I have it. However, I do think that this issue is going to be amazing. Not only is the topics interesting, but the creators are an amazing bunch.

Under the mists is in the editing process. The stories are all really good. I am personally excited to be working on this project.

I have submitted some poems to a couple of lit mags. I await to hear if that will bear fruit. If it does, I’ll be posting links and probably a bunch of excited whoops. Lol

Ink Splashes has been flowing. I just started it a couple of days ago and I already have 17 poems out of the 70.

The first week in June, from the 3rd until the 7th, I will not be posting any posts. I am going on a road trip to see my brother, my son, my grandson, my dad, and my aunt and her family. It’s not that the trip is all that far. It will be around 550 miles round trip. I just plan to focus on my family for the trip.

Whew. That was a lot of announcements. I feel like I am forgetting something. Y’all already know that Dream Drips was released. I have been doing reasonably well at posting on my Patreon. There have been a couple of art delays where I had to post it the next day. I have caught up both times. I have been collecting art prompts, so I can keep doing a daily sketch for patreon… And because it helps me improve.

I try to set goals for myself and the stuff like writing and art. My writing goal is 500 words or a poem a day. I used to include a blog post as a “or” in that but I have gotten my blog posts on a schedule… Somewhat. With 500 words it gives me leeway. My children’s books are often less than 5000 words in total. Honestly the current W. I. P. Is middle grade and will be longer than the others. However, if I am working on Serena’s stuff… Well 500 words is better than none. Slow progress is better than none. Well, even though I love to draw… I have been avoiding setting a goal.

Then I was scrambling for content for patreon. I have been doing mostly writing here. So I needed something that I was not really doing here. I wanted to feel like my patrons were getting some unique content. So when I read about the mermay drawing challenge, I figured it was worth a shot. And I also about the same time decided to do a digital art piece here for Wordlessly Wednesday. So, I think it is time to add an art goal. Besides the digital piece for here on Wednesday, I am going to attempt a drawing of some sort daily. It is how I will improve.

Wow, I said rambling but this post ended up way longer than I intended. So tell me, is there something that you want to see me draw?

Thursday truths

First thing, I have published Dream Drips. I will be posting a new release link post as soon as it is completely live. (Takes up to 72 hours.)

My poetry has been accepted for the summer edition of Creatives Rising Ezine. I am always honored to be chosen to contribute.

I have been doing a weekly digital abstract piece for my wordless Wednesday blog. So far it seems to be well received. I think that I shall continue with that.

I came to the realization last night. As a publishing company, we have done 23 books. 21 for me, (3 children’s books, and 18 poetry), and Serena has 2(a novel, and a novella). Serenity Studios has only been a thing since 2010. That seems so amazing to me.

Also, a minor note. I noticed that I had neglected to upload the ebook version of Soul Drops to Amazon. There was a good reason for this. I use draft2digital for most of my eBook publishing. However I had decided that I didn’t like how Amazon was set up through them. So I had done soul drops paperback on kdp… And the ebook through d2d. The problem is… Because I did not like the set up… I ended up not complying with the required information on d2d for amazon. Forgetting that I had done soul drops that way. I realized that today. So I fixed it. It will be live in 72 hours.