So I was supposed to update twice more yesterday and again today. Guess who has no internet, except for my phone. (Which is on the slow data atm) Yes, I normally do use my phone, but not my data plan. So when I get net back.. Probably later today… I will post all four posts! However as it is dealing with the Isp… I don’t know for sure that it will be so soon.
So I realized this week I am overloading myself, again. Trying to do a weekly newsletter, a healthy weekday blog, a weekly patreon post, and still trying to both write and live life. Some weeks I can juggle it all. Others I think it may take double my allotment of spoons just to live. I plan on keeping up with the patreon. More or less with this blog. (Hiccups happen).. Life and writing don’t stop… But I think that I will be more realistic about the newsletter. I am moving it to a biweekly affair. That may be easier to keep up with it. I skipped last week unintentionally. I was just overwhelmed by all that I had to do.
To be honest I wonder how some people manage to juggle the huge amount of stuff that they accomplish.
How fleeting life can be. A string of moments, all connected with something called a lifespan. I recently got news about a friend who is fighting cancer. It hit harder than I ever could have expected any news to hit. She is younger than me. And it feels damned unfair. Now mind you, as usual, she has it under control. She has always had it under control.
It seems like it is easy to react from outside of a situation with righteous indignation, and fear. Those two emotions cause us to fail to see the weight we put on the one inside with each question. Sometimes, it would be kinder to just be an ear.
It’s hard to be just an ear when we want to scream frustration. It will pass but what damage do you do to those around you as you fight to calm yourself down?
That is the stage I am in. I am fighting to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is not about me, and I have to learn how to be there for her. I have to not let my own fears come between me and supporting her. It is Damned Unfair, but life is not about what is fair. It is about learning, loving, and creating. So I wish for all of you…
I don’t usually do pictures of my self here. I usually stick with my art and go…. But I feel like this is the best way of expressing my thoughts here. Each of them are pictures of me at the various stages of life. Picture #1 is child… I think that I was 2? Maybe 3. I had no thought of the future… It was all about living and playing. Picture #2 is my senior year. I made the jewelry I was wearing. I saw everything I wanted in life become impossible. I worked so hard just to find out that life was unfair. I didn’t see myself reaching 30…and I was beyond over caring. I couldn’t go to college. I couldn’t get custody of my son… Life was sucking, but I didn’t care because I could survive. I had friends and family. I was incredibly oblivious and it worked. Picture #3 I was in my early 30’s… I had a toddler. That is the best picture of that time in my life. I was out thousands of miles from home, stuck in what seemed the most foriegn land I would ever know. I had made it… Now what did I do. I was healing my mind and raising my girl. I think that I spent the next few years just asking myself what now. How does one plan for an age they never expected to reach? And when they do, how do you find that steady point? Picture #4…that is 4 years ago. My life is in chaos. That is the year I decided to start a blog. I published more, that is the year two of my kids books and another poetry volume was released. It was the beginning of another chapter in my weird story. I don’t want to put another picture here because I don’t feel like I am in another era for me. I am in my crone phase, and I think that I am rocking it. I am growing. Each day I learn.
When I started with the whole blog thing I was really green. Now I watch my following grow daily. I only hope it is because you are enjoying the content. Thank you for seeing me! Btw Friday will be prompts again and I am hoping to do the monthly links post on Saturday. I am just over 350 following. At 500 I will do a drawing for a hand written or unique drawing from me. Till tomorrow.
Words have power… Sometimes more than we realize. Take the title of this post for an example. It is a Gaelic word for silence. Yet, when spoken silence is broken.
Too many times we speak with no regard for those who hear. We react to our own version of things. It is a flaw in how human beings are made. We are tender underneath. We react when we are in pain, and we are not always nice. I, myself, have been guilty of this. If I were honest, the only regrets I have in life were just that. Speaking from a place of my own pain, without consideration for who I may have hurt in the process.
This quote has been popping up in my life a lot lately. Though I don’t know who said it. It has made me think. Yes, I am crazy. The muddled mind of a half mad poet and all…. But I don’t try to be cruel. I make mistakes. I apologize. But I also try to learn. I am trying to practice ciunas. The silence. The pause.
Some days I need to practice it so I don’t hurt me. Your inner voice is just as easily able to harm as your outer voice can. Only there it just adds to the bleeding. I think that is the hard part… Silencing that damn inner voice.
I struggle with mine. I know that my friends see me as better than I see myself. I asked for a gift for my birthday this year. It will be in two weeks on the thirteenth. I asked for my friends and family to tell me what they liked about me and what irked them. I got five comments. One was a joke (I think, with the guy in question it may have been serious) about more “nekkid pics.” Two couldn’t think of an irksome quality. The other two… Well both of them said the only thing that irked them about me was my self doubt. Self doubt is one of any artist’s sharpest blades.
I think that I am going to try to pack mine in the back of the drawer. It is time to be the artist who I was meant to be. I will today tell the inner voice “Ciúnas! ” and I suggest that you do the same.
Three days of insomnia has me Maudlin and Derpy…and oddly enough it has made me more productive. I have been writing more in the last three days than I have a month prior. I feel like my brain is on fire…and it is not necessarily a bad thing. I was starting to worry….2019 has not been seeing much writing from me. I had ideas…folders full. It was not a lack of ability, or ideas. Ability never leaves. Not truely, though we sometimes feel like it has. It is similar to the question of whether you would want to have talent or skill. I have, I think, broached that topic on this blog before.
No, my issue was something broader. I couldn’t seem to create. I was in a fog. I could write, but it was like pouring molasses out in winter. Last year I was writing like a madwoman. Poetry and novel both were going out well. It was colder and felt like winter last year. This year it has been muddy and wet, and I have been feeling it. I am a spring child. I love my cooler temps, but I hate the deep cold of winter. I have not had the winter I was expecting. It feels like I am whining.
So, three days ago I sat in front of my computer. I usually do my writing on my phone. The computer is for editing and layout usually. I just wanted to try something different, hoping to snap myself out of the funk. Routine is often a writer’s best tool…I am the exception to that. I get panicky over routine. I obsess over it. Which takes away productivity. So, I was trying to put some randomness back into my writing. I chose a story that I had barely touched. Something I have less invested in. So if I failed in writing it would not hurt Serena’s Life, Guilt and Undeath. I got a little over a thousand words written. Suddenly, Poetry and stories were flowing.
Then my brain wouldn’t shut down. It was like I had to make up all of the time I had lost. So today I am tired. This wasn’t what I planned to post, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I did have planned. I hope to sleep tonight, but I will settle for just relaxing today. I will be doing more writing. I think I will put the computer in a rotation to make the writing easier. I use evernote for most of my writing anyway, and I have it on my computer to make things easier.
Nothing I can do about the insomnia, it happens often enough. I can control my writing though, to some extent. I can seek to improve my craft, make it easier for me to do what I need to do.
Fridays, I usually do writing advice on my Blog, Instead I will be posting a couple of word games to give my brain a break. So, I will leave you with a question. What do you do for routines? What can you do to improve your outlook, or your craft?