Random thoughts of poetry.

Now I normally don’t do this. I don’t explain my poetry, or my art, because I think that most people see what they want to in anything creative. I feel like explanation ruins a piece. To be honest this post is not entirely an explanation… But rather an aside. I have been thinking a lot lately about accountability. About guilt and mistakes. About what I am responsible for in my life and what regrets I should have and what it all means.

I have thought about the regrets that others have expressed towards me. I find that I have very few actual regrets. Each of my choices I made with all of the knowledge that I had at the time. I have revisited some of them later… And hindsight makes regret easy… If you let it.

The problem comes in when you allow regret to consume your conscience. We are as a society, cold. We have lost the conscience. We have lost the knowledge of good and evil, or the will to care. When prison actually looks better than trying to make your way in this miserable world…lives of others no longer matter. That is not a mental illness thing… It is a wake up call.

We have a society where you can work 60+ hours a week and still not be able to afford to pay rent. We live in a society where there is often no way of breaking even, much less getting ahead. Where hate and violence is broadcast nightly on the news. So I have to wonder how we as a society can fix this? How can we take responsibility for the problem and fix it?

Negativity Disguised

So, I am about to rant. I am going to keep it civil… But I thought that meme funny and slightly appropriate. As you know, my new publishing company is doing a release event this week. Well yesterday was Serena’s day to post and bedtime loomed at 3pm as usual. So I was blessed when one of the other authors offered to do a live teaser reading for Serena.

Her reading actually caused ugly happy tears. Her video was full of comfortable homey behavior, very much of the southern charm that her writing is filled with. And somehow our event attracted a troll. This person, and I cannot be certain of their gender so I will be using they/them to refer to them, chose to complain about the sweet rambling on the video.

Yes, they have the right to their opinions. We are trying to sell books, and not everyone is going to want the book that these writers have put their heart and soul into. However, they do not have the right to be rude about it.

I have no problem with expression of opinions. I have a problem with the ones who are just rude in how they express said opinion. This caused the authors in the anthology to do something amazing. In a very professional manner, they came forward to defend one of our own. They did not confront the troll. They tried to reason with the commentor. We ended up deleting that comment tree, because we felt that the negative energy involved was not appropriate for the event.

People… You want to give constructive criticism or feedback? Fine. Be discreet. Be kind. You have no idea what the person is going through. You can be a light or a toxin, the choice really is yours!

Vision issues

So thanks to a really screwed up business and their practices… It is unlikely that I will be getting my glasses this year. I went in march to get a eye exam to Charleston vision source. Now I highly recommend avoiding them. In good faith I gave them my insurance information, believing that they would tell me if it was something that they did not take or if it was something that would be a problem. So I had my eye exam done. Then, while I was hurting from the eye dilation, they tell me that I owe $240 …and that my insurance is out of network for them. So I ask about payments. Am told that they only take full amount. And I would not be allowed my prescription until I paid it. So I told them to charge my insurance company. Then I came home and called the insurance. They tell me that the office is in network. So the insurance company called the office. Told them how to charge it. Then came back and said that I needed to stop preventing the office from charging the insurance. I called the office back and reiterated that they needed to charge the insurance.
Well I waited a week. Called. Was told the insurance (medical) refused the charge. I said that they were told to charge the vision plan. Office manager said that the vision plan would not cover. So I reiterated… Charge vision plan.
Am told that they will. A month later, having heard nothing I arranged for another eye exam with a different dr. I show up to be told the eye exam had been paid. I still have not recieved the script. So I called the office. They claim that they will fax it over. We wait two hours. I call twice more. Finally I was given to the office manager. She said that they were not paid. I call insurance company. Insurance company sends proof of payment… Then office manager tells me $32 refraction fee and $12 were what I owed. I am beyond frustrated and hung up on her. So after calm down i call to get an exact owed $. And I was told $158. Locally that I have found… The cheapest eye exam is $105. My insurance will not cover another this year. So I am not getting glasses. And I have been screwed by bad business practices and a vision place who is less about visual health and more about money. I have made this post in hopes of this raising awareness in the way this place treats it’s patients. Please feel free to share. Charleston Vision source. Office of Alan Rada/ Laura Suppa. They are treating their patients poorly.

Miscommunication hazards

It hurts to be ignored. I was invited to help with an interesting project. I was to blog about a apocalyptic anthology. Then it was suggested that I might be able to contribute… By the editor, not the organizer. The organizer became very angry with me for contributing a poem as I was asked. So today I see her asking for female zombie writers. So I am doing the best for my mental health and walking away from the project.

I will still write (as Serena Mossgraves of course) apocalyptic fiction. My book (Rust, Gore, and the Junkyard Zombie) will be live on May first. I want the other authors in the project to do wonderfully well. I just will not be giving any more whispers of that project. I have been asked to assist with another anthology, and I will be posting more on that as it comes closer.

Please forgive my need to no longer speak of a project that I was obviously never wanted for.

Creative kindness

Creative folks are sensitive, and often it’s the little things that send us into waves of self doubt and wavering, crushing questions about our own worth.
Now I am not claiming that you should not be honest with those folks. Quite the opposite. Just be aware that jumping a creative soul for a miscommunication is likely to cause them to question their own worth. Their own value and whether the work that they they do is worth showing to the world.
So before jumping off the deep end when you are dealing with a creative soul, consider if they were aware of how things went on the other end? Consider asking instead of jumping on them. Because if you are wrong, you will result in them questioning their own worth. Questioning whether they have anything worth putting out into a busy world.
In all things please, be kind first. You don’t know who’s life it might save. And if you decide that you dislike what they have created? Again answer with kindness. Telling the creative to go kill themselves, well the likelihood of them taking it to heart is high. Think before you speak. Or risk the death of another creative soul.

Be kind to each other, for the human race needs one another.

Parenthood

This is one of the hardest topics. After all, most days I feel like I am a failure at being a parent. Am I? Many say no. But, still I feel the strain. Today, I found myself angry. Not at my daughter, but at my mother. An old hurt came forth from a new wound.

Now, Since becoming a mother I find myself asking how much of my issues with her stem from normal teen angst. But, somethings….

My daughter is beautiful. And I try to protect her from those with the lack of vision to see her as she is. Today that included my own mother, who sees things no differently than she did when I was a teen. Which is really her loss. Through my anger and misery, I reached out to friends. Friends who could listen to me rant and understand the pain behind it.

The pain of a society that feeds the stigma my mother uses. Big equals unhealthy. The whole situation was that my teen was 250 lbs. She, through healthier choices and adding excersize has lost 20lbs. She also gained an inch. So today when we went to a local health fair, a doctor at the hospital used her height and weight to determine her bmi. She was told it was within normal range.

I tried telling my mom, thinking that she would be proud of my baby. I forgot that my mother was always harshest about my weight. So when my mom responded that the doctor lied and that my daughter was not in normal BMI for her height, my heart broke. Instead of another soul to encourage a little girl struggling with her self image I had found another to tear her apart. I will not allow it. This is where I am becoming the parent I want to be.

To those who would have negative views of her….

I will not allow your issues to hurt her! She is healthy, and still working out who she is to be. Maybe I am overweight, but when I look at her I do not see numbers. I see a beautiful, sensitive child who is already struggling. I teach her about healthy choices and I let her decide how she will be. She is still growing. She has already gotten taller than I. She will reach the stars! And I will not allow your issues to stop her. Your judgement is unwanted, and if you cannot see her amazingness then you are not needed in her life!

Signed

A mother tired of judgements

Viewpoints 

Rain is the perfect weather to think in.  There is two sides to every story. That is something that we often forget,  especially when we are fighting.  When we are fighting,  all we want is to express our views.  We want to show that we hurt,  and that we believe strongly in what we are saying.  We forget that we love,  and that we may not be the only one who is right.  Two sides to each story does not always mean just right and wrong. 

          Sometimes,  an argument is about two people who have valid points and neither know how bend to see the other view. It really is normal.  However during the fight,  it is not something that anyone thinks of. I myself have been guilty of this.  We get so involved in ourselves that we find ourselves alone with hurt hearts and confused minds.  

          Still in the moment it is very hard to step back.  It is not a thing that comes naturally to most of us.  So we have to decide whether or not to back down or to feel like we are untrue to our own truths.  Standing our ground can cause friction between us and whomever we are arguing with. Sometimes backing down is allowing our truths to be ignored.  

            It is possible for both sides to be right.  So when you deal with the hurt from an argument,  keep that in mind. If you do not want to back down from your view,  it is fine.  Just consider that you are not the only one involved.  Consider if the other party could be right as well.