This is one of the hardest topics. After all, most days I feel like I am a failure at being a parent. Am I? Many say no. But, still I feel the strain. Today, I found myself angry. Not at my daughter, but at my mother. An old hurt came forth from a new wound.
Now, Since becoming a mother I find myself asking how much of my issues with her stem from normal teen angst. But, somethings….
My daughter is beautiful. And I try to protect her from those with the lack of vision to see her as she is. Today that included my own mother, who sees things no differently than she did when I was a teen. Which is really her loss. Through my anger and misery, I reached out to friends. Friends who could listen to me rant and understand the pain behind it.
The pain of a society that feeds the stigma my mother uses. Big equals unhealthy. The whole situation was that my teen was 250 lbs. She, through healthier choices and adding excersize has lost 20lbs. She also gained an inch. So today when we went to a local health fair, a doctor at the hospital used her height and weight to determine her bmi. She was told it was within normal range.
I tried telling my mom, thinking that she would be proud of my baby. I forgot that my mother was always harshest about my weight. So when my mom responded that the doctor lied and that my daughter was not in normal BMI for her height, my heart broke. Instead of another soul to encourage a little girl struggling with her self image I had found another to tear her apart. I will not allow it. This is where I am becoming the parent I want to be.
To those who would have negative views of her….
I will not allow your issues to hurt her! She is healthy, and still working out who she is to be. Maybe I am overweight, but when I look at her I do not see numbers. I see a beautiful, sensitive child who is already struggling. I teach her about healthy choices and I let her decide how she will be. She is still growing. She has already gotten taller than I. She will reach the stars! And I will not allow your issues to stop her. Your judgement is unwanted, and if you cannot see her amazingness then you are not needed in her life!
A mother tired of judgements
Rain is the perfect weather to think in. There is two sides to every story. That is something that we often forget, especially when we are fighting. When we are fighting, all we want is to express our views. We want to show that we hurt, and that we believe strongly in what we are saying. We forget that we love, and that we may not be the only one who is right. Two sides to each story does not always mean just right and wrong.
Sometimes, an argument is about two people who have valid points and neither know how bend to see the other view. It really is normal. However during the fight, it is not something that anyone thinks of. I myself have been guilty of this. We get so involved in ourselves that we find ourselves alone with hurt hearts and confused minds.
Still in the moment it is very hard to step back. It is not a thing that comes naturally to most of us. So we have to decide whether or not to back down or to feel like we are untrue to our own truths. Standing our ground can cause friction between us and whomever we are arguing with. Sometimes backing down is allowing our truths to be ignored.
It is possible for both sides to be right. So when you deal with the hurt from an argument, keep that in mind. If you do not want to back down from your view, it is fine. Just consider that you are not the only one involved. Consider if the other party could be right as well.
Yes, I am slow sometimes in responding on Twitter or the like. Doesn’t mean that I am less likely to do so. The problem with apps like crowdfire and similar is that it takes away from the socializing. You are sending out blanket messages and showing that all of your concern is the numbers. People are not numbers…. And they never should be. You can miss some amazing interaction and the amazing ideas behind the individual by using those apps. As a writer, I love stories. Each person is made up of a unique set of stories that came from their unique life. Why would anyone deny themselves the opportunity to hear them? Of course you will find the occasional troll. But if you are willing to allow them, even trolls can teach you about people. Social media outlets are for being social…. Quit automating that.
Those who don’t know me may not understand this. I am a pacifist. I really and honestly believe that violence does not solve anything. To my mind, violence only exacerbates any situation and makes it worse. That being said, I am deeply worried about the state of affairs in the United States. I feel like we went from the melting pot to the boiling pot overnight. I worry that the suicide rates will go up with this revelation of the new president and of the hardships we as a nation will be facing for the next four years. Don’t get me wrong. I am scared. But allowing fear to overtake me solves nothing.
We have to recover from the shock, and start to put our brains to use. This country is still the same, even if it feels different. There is laws to prevent the abuse I am seeing reports of on social media. There are places still to assist you if you are in danger. No one has the right to harm another person, no matter what the people who follow the hate believe. Practice Kindness. It is needed now more than ever. Do art! Please put more beauty into this ugly world. Speak and write truth, even if it is disguised as fiction. We have so much ugly in the world, that many believe that is how things have to be…show them that it is only one way. Violence is NEVER the answer, and we as a species need to find out what is. Please be good to each other. ❤
Ok… Let’s stop right now. The use of the word bored. I had someone who I dearly love use this word recently and it stuck in my craw. Boredom is a flawed concept. There is always something that you can do to engage the mind. As the parent of a very active pre-teen, this is a lesson I have tried repeatedly to ingraine. Money doesn’t have to be a block either. Oh you are broke? Is there a library or a park near you? Well those are usually free. Nature walks allow time for contemplation. Also one could gather supplies to do simple crafts (easily found via the Internet…) I am not saying crafting is for everyone. I did a I’m bored jar for my girl… Slips of paper to give her ideas. If she said that she was bored then we would draw out a slip and do what was on it. Not all were fun…
Here is some examples..
1. Sweep all of the floors in one room.
2. Play half an hour of a video game.
3. Read for thirty minutes.
4. Color one page in a coloring book.
5. Draw a picture…
6. Write a story /poem
7. Walk at least fifteen minutes, take notice of all of your surroundings.
8. Do a craft… Any craft.
9. Listen to music and dance…
10. Write a letter to someone.
These are merely some possible ideas. We play d&d, so another option is to find a group of players and start an adventure. Most libraries offer free Wi-Fi for card holders. There is many places to get free books for the Kindle app(which is available from the play store for Android, not sure on Apple)…. Bookbub, bookgorilla, and a few others. So even if you can’t do borrowing from the library there is a way for free books. If you message a writer on Twitter or Facebook, and offer to review for the chance to read it… Well some will be willing to do it. Check your community for free events. Home depot and lowes both have a craft each month that is free for kids. I think that they also have ones for adults. Saying that you are bored is in my opinion denoting a bit of a lack of imagination. Let’s not have that!
So I am not an easily triggered person, usually. However, here lately social media has been testing the limits. Several times I have opened Facebook and found articles about children dying because they were raped. Then there are the articles about rapists getting nearly no punishment for what they have done. So then I take to Twitter, which is usually a little bit more light-hearted. Until the presidential election. Then there started a new hashtag. #WhyWomenDontReport. Well, that is a huge can of worms. It caused me to discuss this with Joe.
He said that most of the women who he knows, or has known have been either raped or molested. Then as we were talking about it, he considered. Of the twenty women who he was intimate with, he said he was unable to say for sure on four. The rest were survivors. That is not even a random statistic. That is women who he was with.
I was floored by that. So I posted on Facebook. (So there is a thing on Twitter… #whyIdidntreport
I DID REPORT! At least the first time. I was told that I was a liar. Not all rapes go unreported, some people speak and go unheard. I didn’t speak of the second time because I knew I wouldn’t be believed.) I had several of my friends express similar situations. Think on this, according to Google, one in three women are raped in their lifetime. Yes men are also raped, but I am not speaking of them, not yet anyway. So 1/3 of all women. We as a people need to address this… That is a huge issue.
Add to the issue the ignorance of Trump’s “locker room talk” and the treatment of the victims by those who have the power to change things. Is it any wonder that sexual assault is the least reported crime? We make it hard for the scared to overcome the fear instilled by violence to step into a safe place… And I for one am tired of that. I was raped at fourteen and molested as a small child. I am not a statistic. I am not a victim. I am not allowing Rape culture to break me. I speak my truth, and invite you to do the same.
Okay, I believe it is time that I explain my truth, and set myself free. I have survived many abusive situations. I really was a broken soul. Then I met an angry redhead. He is my anchor. He allowed me to heal. When I met him, I was dissociating. I was on more medications than a person should ever take and I flinched whenever anyone looked at me cross. I was hiding who I was, mostly because I had seen that it would be unwelcome. No one believed me when I spoke of what I had been through. So when I met him, I was more than a hot mess. I was having nightmares nightly and I was terrified of everything. I had at our rough count at least fifteen distinct personalities. Twenty years later, I no longer dissociate. I Will likely have nightmares for the rest of my life, but I have them less now. I now wake up to arms who hold me as I cry the tears of fear. I have someone who has encouraged me to be myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. We heal each other.
That sounds amazing right? Well the problem is most people see him and because he is grouchy and anti-social, They think that he is not good to me. I have watched him walk away from people who he loved because of how they treated me. I have watched him protect me when I was trapped in my own mind. I have had to stand between him and the outside, because of people misunderstanding. I will always stand up for him, he is why I have found the strength to heal a shattered soul. So many people have told me that I can do better……but What they fail to understand is that I don’t want to. We fight, we play, we love, and we have healed. Unless you are part of it, there is so much that you Can not see, so please don’t judge my life based on the first impression that you have of him or me.